Archive for 6 juli, 2009

Now I am at my cottage. The darkness closes in outside, and a strong smell of perfume rises from the lilys and flowering bushes around the house. The only real disturbance is the vast amount of mosquitos, that don’t leave you alone, but I guess that that belongs to the summer, at least here in Sweden, just as the odour of mosquito repellant. Indoors, there is a small crackle from the last piece of wood in the stove. The dishes are made (with lemon scented liquid) in water cooked on the wooden stove woth water from my own well. A small fountain sprinkles outside in a large copper bowl, a pieceful and soothing sound. As I open the door, the dogs run in and out. The crows have flown over the sky and in the top of the pine tree there is another bird singing the evening serenade.

The wood was cut in the sunshine, and the lawn was mowed when I was here last with my love. We had our minivacation and even found a few days to spend in the cottage. Now I am on vacation throughout July and my daughter and I will probably spend at least two weeks of that time in the summer paradise.

It is strange to realize the relacing effect that my summer house has on me. It is old, it is a bit scruffy and not perfectly clean, but it is peace. In fact, to me it is almost the basic definition of peace. Although no one can hear me I always get a bad conscience when I start the lawn mower in the silence, and I enjoy it just as much when I can turn it off with the smell of freshly cut grass in my nostrils.

The other day I decided to start working full time now in July. In order not to sabotage the planning at work, I will replace the time with vacation days instead. Isn’t that stupid? Well, as a matter of fact not. Currently I just feel that I am waiting for the doctor to decide for it, which he will do nevertheless in September, so it is just a matter of a couple of months. And furthermore, I get more money. But the most important part is that I will not use up all my days of sick leave. I will soon use my last day with decent pay while being sick, and then there is no safety margin at all. So, I have every reason in the world to start working full time NOW.

OK, so since I am now working full time, does that mean that I am healthy again. The logic is fine, but in the practical sense (and in the minds of politicians) things are not that easy. Whether to call myself sick or not, is another issue. I am not the same person that I was before I was burnt out, that is quite clear. I have several shortcomings still, I get very tired very easily, and there are many cognitive problems left. But I don’t think it helps to define myself as sick any more. I am who I am, with the shortcomings I have. I will have to cope with myself many more years, and it is pointless to long for all the things you can’t do any more (even if you have been able to before). Life is too short for that. My sweetheart has helped me on the way to realize this and now it is only the implementation left (and that is pretty hard). The protective shell around me is a hard surface to crack, but the notion is slowly getting through. I am who I am, and that is a person who will make me proud soon again.

And the cottage is a part of my therapy right now. By being here I realize more and more clearly how much life has to give, if I only will let it. I am a privileged person, and I only need to be able to accept that. And that may be the most difficult thing to learn. How do allow life to give us what it offers? How can we drop all negative stuff, and get rid of all the unnecessary ”musts” in life. I don’t know yet, but I feel that here, in my paradise is some parts of the answers to these questions… Somewhere!

Read Full Post »